What if I told you Pringles came to abolish chip nutrition?
What if I told you voting for bags wasn't his mission?
What if I told you potato automatically doesn't mean dietitian?
And just because you call some people fat
Doesn't automatically give you a good health condition?
I mean if chips are so great, why has it created lazy fat whores?
Why do they build big lunches, but fail to feed all the shoppers at the store,
Tell single moms Spud doesn't love them if they don't buy any more,
But in the tatter tot tales, Spud actually calls hungry people a bore?
Chip bags may preach taste, but another thing they practice
Tend to ridicule Spud's people, they did it to Frito's Twist.
They can't eat their own concoctions and so they just mask it,
Not realizing chips are like throwing Doritos on Arch West's casket.
See the problem with chips is they never have enough flavor.
It's just salty dehydration, like a throat that is sore.
Like let's throw up fried food then make it look nice and neat
But it's funny that's what they used to do with upset tummies,
While the acid burns underneath.
Now I ain't judgin', I'm just saying, quit hiring a fake cook,
'Cause there's a problem if people only know you're a stacker by your Facebook.
I mean in every other food in life, you know that trans fat is unworthy.
It's like saying you're not obese and just curvy.
You see, I liked chips too, but still got my vitamin D,
Acting like a cool kid, while addicted to Pringles Cheddar Cheese.
See on Sunday I'd eat fruit, but Saturday is fried tatters; I made it
Acting if I was simply created just to eat junk and taste it.
See, I spent my whole life building this appetite for sweetness,
But now that I know Pringles, I boast Bacon Ranch is a weakness
Because if taste is salty, then chips should be the ocean.
It's not a tube for the good people, it's a plastic bag for the broken
Which means I don't have to hide my habit, I don't have to lick my lips
Because I'd rather pop Pringles then snap into a Slim Jim.
See because I was never really a Pringles fan
He looked down and said just pop the can
Which is why Pringles hated chips, man and for it he called them barbecues
Don't you see much better than talking while you chew?
Now let me clarify, I love the chips, I love potatoes, and yes I believe in thin
But if Pringles were in your chip bag, who would actually eat them?
See remember they were called tennis balls and a duck face by hungry men
But the son of Spud, never supports bad deliciousness, not now, not then.
Now back to the point, one thing is vital to mention
How I completely lost my train of thought due to my short attention.
See, one's the work of Spud, but one is a recipe invention
See, one is the flavor, but the others the sour cream and onion
See, because chips say do, Pringles says done
Chips bags say eat, Pringles say fun
Chips put you in a bondage while Pringles pops you free
Chips make no sense, you see?
And that's why chips and Pringles are in two different cans.
Well actually come to think of it, only one is in a can,
Which is why junk food temptation is freely mine, and tastiness is my own.
Hold on I have a call on my phone.
Hello? Who's this? No, I'm sorry she's not home.
But if she was I'm sure she would enjoy popcorn and donuts that are glazed,
But that's not what we serve, not at our place
And while we were talking the caller yelled
“Father, forgive them, I'll just bring cheese curls and mountain dew!”
Because that is the type of food I would toss, I screamed “I don't want to talk to you!”
And he absorbed it all in as I threw the phone across my room,
Which is why I needed to get my Pringles fix real soon.
So for chips, man, no, I hate it. In fact, I literally resent it
Because when Pringles said the fun don't stop, I believe he meant it.
For those that don't get it: This poem is my original parody to Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus.